The Real SOS Brigade
by Don Piano
Summary: Kyon's been through a lot, and looking back, even he can admit it was a little fun. Prologue? Flashback? Another Flashback?
1. Prologue

Whew, after several months of broken computers, moving, lack of internet, lack of working computer, lack of drive, and lack of time, I can finally write again. And since its been so long I can't for the life of me remember where I was going with my other one, so to remedy the situation: Here's a new one!

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"I'm not interested in normal humans. If anyone here is a time traveler, alien, or esper…"

"If it doesn't exist, I should just make one!...Make a club!"

"…The SOS Brigade!..."

It's been over two years since I was the unfortunate victim of Haruhi Suzumiya's plan to start up a ridiculous group consisting of abnormal people. Since then, I've realized that more and more of the people surrounding me possess secret powers or identities. With this came the question: "Doesn't that make me the only abnormal one?" The answer to that question was yes.

Truthfully, in the first year or so of close contact with strange things, I wouldn't have been surprised if my own sister had admitted to me that she was Wonder Women. However I have since learned that such is not the case and that, with time and effort, all these weird experiences and events have a flow and reason, and one can act accordingly. I have been a student of Haruhi Suzumiya's logic and eccentric reasoning for just over a year at the request of a mysterious note sender whose writing looked ridiculously similar to mine. You guessed it, it was me, sending a note back in time to myself. I had even dated the note so that I would know when to write back to myself.

Conveniently enough, that day just so happened to be today, not even a month into my senior year. It all makes sense too, because right now I'd consider myself the most "in control" I've ever been in respect to the events around me and it has everything to do with the real "SOS Brigade". Save the world from the Overwhelming power of Suzumiya Haruhi Brigade. Interesting name eh? Anyways, as I wrapped up my letter to my past self with a charming yet ominous post-script: "Asakura says 'Hi'" Future Asahina walked in the door.

"It's almost time again, Kyon." She said before noticing I was just putting the note into an envelope. "But you knew that, didn't you? Somehow, when I'm not looking, you always seem to learn of these things. And here I was hoping to surprise you this time." She smiled her special smile before going over to inspect the now unused wardrobe collection.

For your information, I've time traveled a total of twenty-one times and three of those times were to the future to meet with Asahina's superiors. Yes I know, but I'm sorry, I have no words to ease your desire to hear about it. It's all classified anyway, and I must say it's rather empowering to say that just like Little Asahina had. Oh, the former goddess of the SOS Brigade, how I miss thee! I had last seen Little Asahina on her graduation day. The memory of that day might just live on inside me forever, but I digress.

Indeed, it took me quite awhile to convince Haruhi that for the one year remaining of our high-school lives we didn't necessarily need an "indispensable mascot character" for advertising purposes as our fame was definite throughout the schools. In fact, because of our efforts from the two previous years, we were the reason several freshmen came to North High. It almost seems like such a trivial reason to want to attend a school, but I seemed to see the SOS Brigade symbol everywhere. Tee-shirts, graffiti of that awful tapeworm Haruhi drew, even that stationary store that sponsored both of our movies currently has a sign up: "Official SOS Brigade Stationary Shop". Things have definitely gotten out of hand.

Even the website got regular hits, but as we all know, anything "regular" isn't. The counter was in eight digits now after two years and the site itself had become a lot more to look at. Pictures of the Brigade members during activities, composite sketches from Haruhi's own mind about made up encounters (and some she just barely missed seeing for real), Nagato's and Koizumi's own section where they discuss books, philosophy or otherworldly ideas and concepts that are actually true, and the much sought after, Brigade Leader's journal that I had finally convinced Haruhi to get up and going.

The site's mailing address saw a lot of traffic as well. Membership applications (all of which that were denied anything more than "Part-time Membership in the SOS Reserve" as Haruhi claimed a hidden army was better than one that flaunted their power around arrogantly), strange sightings (some fake, most real), fan mail, and more. We had also gotten onto our own server that was run by Miss Tsuruya, who had claimed she had nothing else to do because she was waiting a bit before university. She was just one of many happy volunteers (unlike Taniguichi and Kunikida) who would help us unconditionally whether it's advertising or a city wide search for weird things. Luckily enough however, aside from the sign on the stationary shop, the SOS Brigade didn't get any real advertising from responsible sources. It would be a problem otherwise.

"The coast is clear. It's now or never." Koizumi said as he walked in to the club room with Nagato, their hands together.

"Haruhi Suzumiya will remain in the classroom for another nine minutes before departing for this location." Nagato recited dutifully.

In truth, I didn't like when they reported to me like this, and no, I haven't become the "Shadow Leader" of the brigade or anything similar, that would be too much work for someone like me. It just seems that everyone thinks that I'm important in deciding things about Haruhi and the player of a pivotal role in making things happen. Honestly, it's actually quite a bother, but ever since I willingly took a more "active" role in Haruhi's life I've known that all of this was up to me.

"Time to go I guess." I smiled to Asahina and she nodded back. Nagato closed the door silently and I shut my eyes by instinct. I felt Asahina's warm hand on mine and I knew a very familiar feeling was about to hit me. My last image before heading off was of silent Nagato and smiling Koizumi holding hands, and I found that strangely calming.

For the countless time I wondered to myself: just who wrote this scenario?

Was it you, Haruhi?

The only difference from before is that now I knew the answer.


	2. 6 Months Ago

Unemployment has served this fic well! second chapter...or first if you count the other one as a prologue, which it is. There's a few stories to tell, but I decided this one should come first. Enjoy!

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6 Months Ago. 

It was right around my post-culture festival melancholy and right before my winters coming melancholy. We were currently enjoying the rewards of the movie's admission profits (with almost all of it profits because of the complete lack of budget for the movie) and Haruhi was still flying at one A.U. a second from the festival's concert that we partook in (Please refrain from asking about it). This scene of Haruhi conquering the laws of physics in excitement had become the norm over the past year and a half but it still made me uneasy. No, actually, there was another thing that was welling up inside me that made me uneasy. The kind of feeling that welled up relentlessly until you finally blurted out something like: "Your roasted chicken is very dry!"

I had already talked to Koizumi about this, but that idiot merely nodded his head to everything before saying: "Well it must be what Suzumiya wants." And that wasn't exactly the answer I wanted to hear. Even an incomprehensible metaphor would have been preferable to the straightforward answer he gave. Koizumi, just admit it already that Haruhi's wants are on the same level as your metaphors. But I didn't even have to think hard about it to know that Haruhi does actually have a reason for everything, even if Koizumi's misguided comparisons do not.

"Haruhi Suzumiya has the ability to turn anything into absolute data…" I've heard this all before Nagato… "Her subconscious desires can even affect one's cognitive ability of the past or present. This ability is a similar but an advanced form of the Entities'…" Your mouthfuls go too far sometimes… "In order to match her powers, you can only reflect them onto themselves…" Okay now I was totally lost. In the end, Nagato wasn't much help either, but at least she's always more useful than Koizumi.

I would never dream of asking Asahina for help with this. Indeed I seemed to be feeling around blind in a snake pit.

It's with troubled thoughts that I did my daily shuffle over to the club room, only to find everyone but Haruhi already there. I greeted them and took a seat beside Koizumi, who was playing a rare game of Othello with Nagato. No, now that I think about it, you can't "play" Nagato in any game that involves analyses. In the end, your only choice is to lose.

So, with a certain satisfaction, I watched Koizumi lose while simultaneous watching Nagato for silent pointers. Eventually Asahina brought us tea and things eased into that niche that Haruhi always came and interrupted. Today though, was one of those days that peace lasted. A true victory for normal high school life to shine through with. Although in the back of my mind, I could never help but worry about whomever or whatever distracted Haruhi so we could have a time like this.

The answer came to me the following day.

"Kyon!" The female dictator yelled at me as I opened the door to our classroom. Damn!  
If Nagato or Koizumi were in the class as well right now I would be able to escape. "I heard a rumor about some defiling creeps, so I went over to the high school where they go to check it out." It was about then that I wondered about two things: Firstly, what was she talking about? And secondly, why was I so eager to escape? Unfortunately, my spider-senses were as keen as ever.

"I won't forgive them! Starting up an SOS Brigade without my blessing! Penalty! Penalty! Penalty!"

After she had finally stopped yelling about penalties and similar things, Koizumi and Nagato walked around the corner as if they had been hiding there all along. As I silently cursed their stealth, the teacher also came around the corner as an early sign that class was about to start.

Taking our seats, Haruhi and I closer to the back corner yet again this year and Nagato and Koizumi closer to the front middle, class began like the timer on a bomb because I knew that when I got to the clubroom today, I'd get dragged into another disaster.

When the time did come, Haruhi began the club's meeting with the following announcement: "Brigadiers! Now is our time to fight! I've received intelligence about a group in another high school that started their own SOS Brigade without my approval! So we're going to head down there for a surprise inspection by the Chief Dictator For Life! I need volunteers to come with me!"

I had expected Koizumi to volunteer almost immediately, but instead he said he had to go to work. Asahina simply mumbled something about needing to study for her mid-terms, which was understandable considering she was now a senior. Nagato simply said nothing and I knew instantly what was going to transpire.

"Kyon, you just volunteered yourself!"

Thanks for the help everyone.

So now I walked with Haruhi down the hill to the train station, wondering if they're fake brigade will still be in session. Haruhi mumbled angrily the whole way, so I didn't get much chance to talk to her.

Please don't get any wrong ideas. I've been watching her a while now and I felt inclined to mention that I was impressed how much she had adapted to a more normal lifestyle. However, while I say "adapted" in the slightest of senses, she was definitely calmer and more comprehendible than when I first met her, she was still borderline psycho.

Maybe it was me that had changed.

That was almost laughable. I find that "Suzumiya Bug" that Taniguichi had mentioned when I had asked him if I was normal more believable than thinking that I had changed through my own free will. I mean who in their right mind would accept all these things? Hands up. No one? That's what I expected.

Truthfully, I feel as if I'm "infected" by Haruhi because she brings excitement into my life. Aliens, time travelers, and espers were merely my middle school dreams and here I am living them because of her. All that growing up I did has been put to shame and the little kid inside me is jumping for joy. I mean, I'm seconds away from confessing my endless affection to her and we're only going to go tell off some people we've never met. Wait, forget that last part. I can still have my independent dignity can't I? She can't take that away from me, can she?

It was right about this time that we had arrived at the other high school after several train stops and I had been lost in thought about the person I was with, trying to talk myself out of a possibly dangerous situation. Maybe I was playing her up. She can't be as amazing as I'm thinking, world destroying ability aside.

No, she had the spectacular and enigmatic ability to create too. Create fame, wonder, and beauty. This ran deeper than a mere teenage attraction to a pretty girl, even though she was attractive. After all this time, the moment that a part of me had been waiting for and another part of me had been dreading had arrived. It was time to admit truthfully what I felt.

I appreciated Haruhi Suzumiya for everything she has ever given me.

We were right outside the room where Haruhi knew was the fake SOS Brigade. They had chosen residence inside of what seemed to be a spare music room or something similar. Do all SOS Brigades have to freeload off of other people's apathy? We heard muffled talking inside, as well as the occasional note from a flute.

Haruhi went for the door handle, but with the bravery or stupidity I wasn't entirely aware that I had, I grabbed her by the arm to stop her.

"What are you doing you idiot..." Haruhi's voice had lost power when she saw the look in my eyes. The look of someone about to do something that might be considered stupid by future generations. So I'll ask them here: My children's children, did I do the right thing?

Let's skip the unnecessary and uncomfortable conversation that followed my bold move and fast forward to a more interesting part that answers your questions and the reason you are currently on the edge of your seat.

Haruhi opened the door to the clubroom and I quickly ascertained the situation inside. I could tell the club here was fairly new from the lack of items littering the room. It is SOS Brigade unwritten policy to pack rat as many items as possible that might even be remotely helpful. After a year and a half, the Literature clubroom was a mess. Sitting in a corner was most certainly this SOS Brigades silent character, a second year who was making noise with her flute occasionally, as if trying to hit a note she never had. This also showed that she was the only official member of this room. I'm sorry miss, but you do not even hold a candle to Nagato. Several other occupants, three in total, two girls and one boy that all looked like freshmen, were running around the room cosplaying and filming it.

When they noticed our unannounced entry, they froze in place. I looked suspiciously at the boy who was filming this all girl club and wore an "Ultra Director" arm band. They recovered from the shock of our arrival as Haruhi began to spoke.

"What do you think you're doing here?!" she demanded without even an introduction.

"Lady Suzumiya! We apologize for offending you! We did not know you were visiting so soon." The first-year male and supposed leader announced. Looks like an introduction wasn't necessary. Haruhi also seemed surprised they knew her name.

After a short and awkward silence, one of the female members who was dressed as a cat took her attempt to explain.

"We were waiting for your approval, but we hadn't fully set up yet. We were going to ask you, promise! We have it all, your ladyship! The girl over there is our silent character! And my friend here is a mysterious transfer student!"

"From Hokkaido!" the other girl, a tiger, chimed in.

"That guy there is our unquestionable leader!" she continued with enthusiasm as I continued to eye the questionable person who was videotaping cosplaying girls and was now removing his armband. Didn't your mother ever teach you better?

"And that just leaves me! I think you can guess who I am!" The girl dressed as a cat finished with a hair flourish and a wink.

"Would you like some tea, Senior Suzumiya?" she asked cheerily. "What about you…Kyon?" This seemed to be the first time they had taken notice of me. Their reaction was less than expected.

"Wow, it's Kyon!"

The fact that they knew me and looked upon me with respect was a feeling that I can sadly admit I had never felt before. Even the silent girl playing the flute stopped her practice to stare at me. Really, could you all stop? Haruhi's more interesting to watch anyways. And why do you guys call me Kyon too!?

"Oh right, the tea!" the cat-girl realized and, as if to demonstrate her clumsy moe-ness, turned around and walked straight into a chair, tripping and falling to the ground.

"Owie!" she exclaimed almost dramatically as she smiled innocently at everyone watching her. But their shift in interest had given Haruhi the time to recover from her initial shock.

And she let them have it. 

Skipping past all of the angry parts that involved slamming teacups down in rage, intense interrogation, and scolding for wearing the sacred armband, Haruhi and I left the clubroom that housed the very first "SOS Reserve".

"That was nice of you to let them go with just a warning." I smiled to Haruhi, even though it was the first thing I had said since my confession.

"I couldn't get into a rhythm; else I would have really let them have it!" she replied almost regretfully, "I mean why couldn't you have told me about all those horrendous feelings of yours after we court marshaled them!"

I smiled to myself as if I had just remembered what I had done.

We eventually ended up in front of Haruhi's house. I would have to double back a bit to get home, but it wasn't a problem. We stopped outside the gate to her yard, neither of us initially willing to make parting words.

"Remember, nine o'clock in front of the train station tomorrow! Don't be late or it's the death penalty!" Haruhi said in a finalizing tone and then attempted to part ways, only to stop half way from opening the gate with her back to me.

We stood there in silence for quite a while. Part of me wanted to kiss her and part of me knew that it was a bad idea. Whatever had come over me, I opted for the more daring choice. Suzumiya Bug give me strength!

"Haruhi…" I said to get her attention.

She turned around and I took my chance. 

I woke up the next morning at nine thirty with my cheek still stinging from a slap and my cell phone vibrating violently as if to demonstrate Haruhi's obvious rage.


	3. 1 Year Ago

The job hunt goes well, and I've gotten into a game called EVE, but at least it hasn't taken away all the time from this. Thanks for all the reviews and spell checks, enjoy.

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1 Year Ago 

(That is to say, one year ago from the time I sent the letter as so that it is exactly the day I get the letter. You probably would have understood that, however, because of being in Koizumi's presence for so long, I seem to think the worst for people)

I was currently heading home after another school day. As I got closer to my house, I dismounted my bike and walked it the rest of the way up to my house.

This was when I took the mysterious envelope from my bag. There was writing on the outside that said: "Do not open until you arrive home" and since I am not one to disobey anonymous letters put into one's shoe locker, I had listened to it to a point.

I opened the letter roughly, removing its content which was unsurprisingly a letter.

My eyes scanned the page and it kind of made me laugh. Who was this nut?

Dear Kyon,

It has been far too long, and I feel like I'm writing a friend I haven't seen since childhood, but in reality its only been a year. The past year has seen me the willing observer of a very interesting subject and the sole student to a particular teacher. Now I think you should undertake the same task. Don't ask how, don't ask why, but it's about time you paid a little more attention to a certain eccentric someone who's quite close to you, and has once or twice disclosed to me that she wants to be even closer to you. You can consider this a love letter or a draft and deployment letter, whichever it is, your job is still the same:

Watch over Haruhi Suzumiya.

Sincerely,  
J. S.

PS. Asakura says "hi"

I was just taking my shoes off inside when I had read that cryptic final line, although it did not stay a mystery for very long.

I was overcome by a very familiar feeling and, by instinct alone, jumped back just in time to witness the end of my tie being sliced off by a blade that flew into the space my head occupied a second ago.

Holding that blade was none other than the Blueberry Queen herself, the one who had tried twice kill me, and once almost succeeded: Ryoko Asakura.

"It's you!" was the only thing I could think of to say because I was shocked, despite warnings from a certain note sender.

"You can't blame someone for trying." She said cheerily with her head tilted to the side.

"Except for murder." I replied as I instinctively inched farther away from harm.

"You know darling," she started eerily; "I'll get your heart eventually." She lunged at me again and I dove towards the kitchen. She chased me through the whole house while she waved her knife around like she was lead knife in a knife parade.

I started thinking about the sender of the note as I struggled and fled for my life. Somehow they knew that this was going to happen, and not only that, but they had plans for me, meaning I am supposed to survive this encounter. I suddenly felt braver and more resolute even when the knife whirled dangerously close to me.

"You're slower than I remember, Asakura-chan." I must have sounded completely insane, but in the current company it felt proper. I rushed up the stairs and found myself cornered in my own room.

"Unfortunately, I guess I can't live up to your dreams of me." She winked in reply before lunging at me again. We fell onto my bed and the knife hung threateningly above my chest as we struggled with it. I pushed up, and she pushed down. She wasn't as strong as I remember, and a part of me thanked all the deities in existence for that.

"I may be inexperienced," she said as she tried to push the knife down harder, "But I do hope you'll be gentle with me." Her smile was as dangerous as a storm out on the ocean, something you avoid because one wrong move and….

…I gathered my strength and threw her across my room. She landed on the floor with a thud and remained there silently.

"Asakura?" She can't be dead, that's impossible. Unless…unless she's human now? That would explain why she was less powerful than I remember however, that doesn't explain why no one has called the police after hearing signs of struggling. The space I'm in must be enclosed, or I would have gotten help by now. And where's my family? My parents? My sister?

It was all making less and less sense when I heard the cutest laughter I have ever heard. It started out small, and grew over time. If it wasn't originating from the heap that laid on my floor, even I would have found it dangerously adorable.

"Hehehe, silly me, I should have done this from the beginning." Asakura laughed as she got up.

I half expected to be frozen helpless like the last time she said that, however, such was not the case. Instead, she dropped her knife to the ground as it seemingly evaporated into pixels, and produced a shotgun similar to the ones you see in gangster movies.

"Now you die." She smiled at me like someone who had just easily won a game of chess.

Going through my head right now were several things. Firstly, I wanted to meet the pile of data or whatever that conceived the idea of Asakura and punch it in the "face". Secondly, where the hell did that gun come from? Thirdly…

My thoughts were cut off by an explosion that ripped through the wall. Asakura and I were both knocked off balance by what was, in the deepest hope of my heart, my savior.

True enough, Nagato now stood in between Asakura and I as we regained our balance.

At least, I thought it was Nagato. Actually, the one that stood before me now looked like Nagato with all the "upgrades". Umm Nagato? Did you even ask for a new uniform after growing that much? I tried my hardest not to imagine what a teacher would say if they saw her at school dressed in this uniform that wasn't quite the right size.

"You always come to stop my fun." Asakura pouted. This was literally less than a second before they engaged in a fierce alien-esque melee.

Upgraded Nagato versus restricted Asakura? I'll spare you the details as, in comparison to other sci-fi fights I've witnessed, it was lack luster. I just hoped that this was the final defeat Asakura needed to finally just stay in my nightmares.

Now the Nagato of my wildest dreams stood before me in my room, seemingly singing some kind of indiscernible song under her breath.

"Umm Nagato?" I said finally, closing my mouth which had been hanging open slightly and removing the stupid look that was on my face.

"Yes?" her voice was like morning in early spring, frozen yet serene. The sound of her song, which by now I had figured was repairing and cleaning my house, still resonated quietly, even while she spoke.

I tried to remember what I was going to ask, but was rather distracted by this Nagato. Her skirt and shirt seemed a tad too short and the glasses she wore now really suited her. I would almost put her striking appearance on par with Big Asahina. "Um"s and "er"s were all I could come out with.

"I have completed my task." She recited, tiring of waiting for me to ask something. "However, the Kyon that told me to come here stated that when I had completed my task the Kyon I was to save would tell me what a glasses fetish is."

I was floored.

After awkwardly answering Nagato's question, her reaction being a dreamy: "Oh.", I watched her leave my room and I knew not to follow her. I did, however, run to my window to witness Nagato leaving my house and meeting up with three other figures that I couldn't make out. However, I had my guesses as to their identity.

I went back to my front door where I had dropped the letter. Picking it up I read the words again.

Did everything have to be about Haruhi? Hah, what was I saying? Of course it did.

I went to the bathroom to assess myself in the mirror. I sighed wearily and merely stared at myself.

John Smith, I hope you know what you're getting me into.


End file.
